Living in the now.

Social media.

It’s such a love hate relationship. I love being able to connect with friends and family and post pictures of my kids and share my life with the world….

but it is a time consuming black hole. The other night, Patrick and I were talking about how we spend hours scrolling facebook – looking at other peoples lives instead of living our own. Ouch. Endlessly scrolling. Glued to our phones. Not living in the now. Not making the most of our own lives.

Patrick didn’t have a smart phone until 10 years ago. Now it seems unfathomable to live a life without a smart phone. If you walk out the door… keys. Wallet. Phone.

Our phones have become glued to our hands. Our kids see the back of our phones more than our faces sometimes.

I want to be more present in my own life. For my kids. For my marriage. For ________. Insert whatever. I want to stop the endless scrolling. The time wasting. I want to escape the black hole known as social media and surface to reality. That might sound a bit dramatic but it holds some weighty truth.

I don’t want to lose my voice though or the ability to share my life with my friends and family.

So my blog is a good middle ground.

So here’s to letting everyone know that I am making a huge effort to step away from social media for a bit.  If you need me – text me. Getting a response from me on social media might take a tad bit longer.

A little less posting. A little less instagramming. A little more living.

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Traveled the world, never left the state

If you have followed my blog for a couple of years, you probably remember when I was planning my first ever solo flight to Georgia for my best friends wedding. I think I had an entire post about having a bucket list for your self, especially if you’re married.

3 years ago I booked my first solo flight to Georgia and experienced Atlanta rush hour traffic and spent a little over 48 hours away from Bennett. 12063387_10153492112395091_2045733032336710472_n.jpg12020025_10153490173520091_4116190713703415641_n.jpg12039591_10153489544780091_373903370927509756_n.jpg12011177_10153492329805091_3154759533651210028_n.jpg

The following year, I was pregnant with Mills and Bennett was a year and a half. Patrick was in Florida for 2 weeks for work, so I purchased a last minute flight and flew my pregnant self and Bennett down to Florida for a week.

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This year, I booked a last minute hotel for a women’s conference in Virginia Beach. As I’m starting to plan for my trip in a few days, I started to think…

I have traveled the world but I have never driven out of the state by myself.

WHAT?!

I was brushing my teeth last night and Patrick was already falling asleep. I said, “Babe. I have never driven out of the state by myself.” He kind of grumbled and then sat up. He started to try and tell me, “Well what about…. xyz”…. nope. He mentioned my trip to Georgia. Nope. I FLEW to Georgia. I have never driven out of North Carolina by myself.

Aruba. Mexico. Costa Rica. Bahamas.  Honduras. Grand Cayman. Belize.  etc.

but I have never left the state – alone.

I have traveled the world with my husband and we have been on amazing adventures but this trip is another one that I can check off of my personal bucket list.

So – I rented an oceanfront hotel room for 4 days and 3 nights. All to myself. It will be the first time that I have rented a hotel room. The first time I will stay in a hotel by myself. The first time I will drive out of North Carolina by myself. Also the first time I will be without the kids AND without Patrick.

Needless to say, I’m so excited for this woman’s conference and for some rest and relaxation. ❤

I plan to stop at the Virginia/NC border for a selfie. HA!

What’s on your personal bucket list?

 

The constant tug

I feel like all moms deal with the constant internal battle of doing this vs that, in some way or another. As you guessed, mine is

  •   Run a business that I am passionate about and love
  •   Raise my two children and be present for them daily

Every day, I feel this constant push and pull between the two. Both are so important to me. Both worthy of my attention, hard work and dedication. You might be raising your eyebrows at how I could possibly talk about a job the same way I talk about my kids. What crazy woman ranks their job even close to their kids?!

Miss Jee’s was my first baby. The long nights of working a full time job and then pouring into Miss Jee’s to see it grow. The growing pains of learning what works and doesn’t work. The excitement of the first time I was found on google. The first time a client invested thousands into ME. Into what I created and built. The decision to no longer pursue a career in teaching, take the huge leap of faith and go all in with Miss Jee’s. There’s no back up plan. There’s no, “What if it doesn’t work”.  Miss Jee’s is everything to me. It’s my hardwork, sweat and so many tears. It rewards my soul. It validates me as a woman. I don’t think I can fully explain how much I love my job. How thankful I am to get to do what I love everyday.

My kids. They trump it all. They are my everything. My world. Each of them are a gift and treasure from God. Before we had kids, Patrick and I both knew that we wanted me to stay home with them. There’s this pang of guilt every time that I leave them for work or spend time working. It’s not a guilt placed on me by expectations of my husband. No. It’s a guilt that I’m missing out on this time that is whizzing by faster than I could have ever expected. I am never going to get these days or years back where I am their everything. Sooner or later, I will become less needed and while that sounds enticing on the somewhat suffocating days of having to be their everything, it makes my heart feel heavy. I don’t want to miss a moment. I want to be the one who teaches them about the love of God. Who helps them to tie their shoes. Who see’s them fall down and get back up. Who encourages them to preserver. I want to be the one doing life with them.

It’s a constant tug. No. Tug doesn’t describe it accurately. It’s a battlefield. Give to my business – take from my kids. What kind of mom does that?  I have no good answer to this. Anyone have any encouragement for this mama who wants to do both? Who wants to build a thriving and successful business but also wants to be there every single day.

I had childcare for part of 2017 and while it was great for my business, I found myself away from my kids more than I was with them. Even having 2 days of childcare during the week, meant that Bennett and Amelia were home 4 days a week (when I had sessions on Saturday and Sunday). It meant that I was away from them more than I was with them and that is not what I wanted in my heart.

I feel like there’s no good answer?

There’s SO much I want to do for Miss Jee’s. Soooo many ideas on how to grow it…. but that takes time and hard work. The time I need would have to be taken from the time with my kids… and I don’t know if I want to take to give.

All you working mama’s. What do you do? Any encouraging words? Am I alone in feeling this way? 27992883_10155736795925091_6708155553132298202_o.jpg

Bloom where you are planted

I took my littles on a run yesterday morning. Well, it was a run/walk because let’s be serious… pushing a stroller with two kids in it, is a nice reminder that yes, you are not as in shape as you thought you were. Add in the humidity and 90 degree weather and I felt like a beached whale doing a slow bounce on dry land and calling it a run.

As I was running, I noticed a small magnolia tree. My neighbor has a HUGE one in her yard that I enjoy watching bloom but this tiny one just caught my eye because of just how small it was and the fact that it only had one bloom. The Holy Spirit whispered , “Bloom where you are planted” which might sound so cliche and something that you can find in the Target dollar spot on a sign, but it was so on time.

Last year during our annual Dominion By The Word conference, we had the amazing Andi Andrews speak during two of the sessions. I have heard thousands of sermons and have sat through almost 10 Dominion by the word conferences and over time, you slowly forget the sermons. Her sessions though… I still distinctly remember sitting through her sermons, tears streaming down my face. Over the past year, I have replayed her message in my mind reflecting and meditated on her words. She talked about seasons of growth. I was pregnant with Amelia last year during Dominion and Bennett had JUST started preschool and I felt like I was drowning. Every. Single. Day.

Facebook and Instagram makes motherhood look easy. It made me feel like I was the only one drowning and here stood Andi Andrews, mother of 4 and mighty woman of God, saying she had a season where she also felt like she was drowning. She showed us a picture of a plant and how it clearly has different seasons of growth. Screen Shot 2017-08-18 at 7.23.04 AM.png

She talked about how when she had 4 babies, she felt like she was planted underground… with someone pouring water on her. I sat in service, listened to her words and choked back tears. I was there. I was underground where it was dark and felt lonely and someone was constantly pouring water on me. I couldn’t breath. Here’s the thing though… for a plant to grow… you have to be planted. You have to be put down in the dirt, watered and eventually, you break through the surface to see light again. You have to bloom where you are planted.

Y’all, I fought motherhood and the identity of motherhood for a very very long time. It hasn’t been until just recently where I finally feel like I have broken through the surface. Part of that is my journey with Amelia and one day I hope to share that story as well… but for the first time, I finally see the light. For the years that I spent underground where God was cultivating me, helping me grow and preparing my mind and heart for the upcoming years and next seasons, I hated it. It was so hard and I felt like I failed and stumbled through most of it. While most of y’all will try to say, “Noooo… you rocked it” etc etc, that is not how my heart felt after laying Bennett down for bed and the weight and heaviness of the day felt crushing and suffocating. How did all the other mom’s do it? How did they seem SOOO happy? How did they LOVE motherhood?

Matthew 11:28-30
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

There is grace y’all. His goodness is bountiful and overwhelming and his strength covers my weakness. Every. Single. Day.

You have to bloom where God plants YOU. You can’t uproot yourself, choose a different spot and say… I just want to skip the underground stage. God has the most beautiful plans for your life and He has placed you right where you are suppose to be… to become who you are suppose to be. You have to embrace the underground season where God is preparing you for what is to come. I unfortunately fought it and it was absolutely exhausting. Here I am though… almost 3 years later and I see light. I see the roots that I placed where I tightly clung to Jesus and cried at His feet, seeking His strength and basking in his renewing love for my weary heart. I see where God is taking me and my family and I see the worth of all those years of growth.

Be encouraged mama’s. You ARE doing an amazing job and you’re loving them well, even when you feel like you’ve failed for the fifty seventh time and it’s not even lunch. We have to show our children what it’s like to seek God even when things are hard and uncomfortable. Where we ask for their forgiveness AGAIN because our fruits of the spirit seem to be hidden under the mounds of laundry that have been waiting for days.

He is good y’all. A plant won’t stay underground forever…. so if you feel like it’s been a really really long time of someone pouring water on you… you’re probably close to the surface.

The light is coming.

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It’s been a long time coming.

If you have seen my Facebook or Instagram over the past 3 weeks, you have seen that we finally renovated our sunroom into an office. This wasn’t just a weekend project (like I naively thought). This was three weeks of working every single day on it. Three weeks of my husband putting hours and hours and hours into this room.

The plan started 1.5 years ago. Yep. YEARS. When we bought our home, 5 years ago, we were kidless, so we had two extra rooms and a beautiful sunroom. I used the second largest room in the house for my office. Along comes Bennett and I’m booted to the smaller room. Then Patrick becomes self employed and I then have to share HALF of the smallest room with him. It was cramped and cluttered and not a relaxing space to work in.

Then Bennett started to nap less and move more, so having to go upstairs into a room to work, just wasn’t working. A year and a half ago, I moved my 27 inch iMac onto our kitchen table. Yep. I’ve been working from our kitchen table since Bennett was actively crawling. That’s a long time to work in a kitchen and cook around an iMac. Anytime we would have guests over for dinner, my computer would get shoved to the side and we would all squeeze in. Again, not ideal.

We then started thinking about getting pregnant again and then I would be booted from the last room permanently. We thought about moving but after looking, our house was such a steal and the location is perfect, so we wanted to make it work where we are. I forget who thought of it first, but the idea blossomed for us to convert our sunroom (which we rarely used) into my office. As soon as I knew that we could actually do it, I wanted it done.

What I didn’t know (and JUST realized) was the enormity of the project and what all it would entail Patrick doing. I thought, just tear it down and build it up. No biggy. What I didn’t know was how to raise a floor, frame a wall, run electrical, install havoc, move a door frame… etc etc. So, for a year and a half, I begged Patrick to build me an office. It caused tension and arguments. I just didn’t understand why he didn’t build it?! Until now. I was oblivious to how much work it would be. Now, after apologizing and thanking him over and over, I am sitting in my beautiful office as I type this.

The process of building this office created the thought process for a lot of different blog posts, but this one really just stood out to me and relating it to things I struggle with.

It’s really easy to be jealous of others success’s. Rarely do you see how long it took them to get there or how hard they worked for it. In the business world, it’s really easy for me to look at other photographers and go, dang. Why do they have clients streaming in? Why are they making 100k? Why are they so dang successful?

And then jealousy creeps in.

It might be easy to look at me with my new office and just think, wow, how can she just spend all this money on that office? Why do they just get to up and build it? At least, these are some of the similar thoughts I have had towards others when I see them doing cool things. Why them? Why not me?  We forget that often there are years of planning, hard work and dedication into those successes.

If Patrick would have built this office 1.5 years ago, I wouldn’t have the money saved to furnish it… at least not the way I wanted to. We are a debt free household, so if we don’t have cash, we don’t do it. I saved and saved and was able to buy some really nice things for my office. It was well worth the wait.

I’m pretty much preaching to myself but when you feel jealousy creep in, try to think of how hard that person must have worked to get to where they are. How long were they planning for that dream vacation? SAVING for that dream vacation (can you tell I’m ready for a vacation)? Where else did they sacrifice to make their dream into a reality.

Social media makes it really easy to showcase our prosperity, successes, triumphs, etc. What it doesn’t reveal is all the work, planning and saving that goes behind it.

Again, I’m pretty much preaching to myself today. You probably haven’t even thought twice about my office… but maybe you can relate in another area. Anywhos, just wanted to share (and type something in my new office).

 

Amelia Everly’s Birth story

My daughter was born January 21, 2017 at 2:25 am in the water at Baby + Co. Wow. I still can’t believe she is here. I have a daughter, yall.

Just as I did with Bennett, it’s time for me to write and help process the days and events that brought her from within me to earth side for her first breath. What a journey it’s been. The differences from the end of Bennett’s pregnancy from the end of Amelia’s were very night and day. I was truly miserable at the end of Bennett’s. Like, get this baby OUT, I can’t stand another day. Amelia’s final weeks were so different though. I was in no rush, simply because I knew what was coming. I spent as much time doing one on one things with Bennett, enjoying uninterrupted evenings with Patrick and saying a slow goodbye to such a sweet season for our family. Don’t get me wrong, we were so excited to finally meet our sweet baby girl, but it was truly a bittersweet goodbye as the weeks and days passed and we drew closer to her arrival.

At 37 weeks, I started experiencing braxton hicks/prodromal labor. This was night after night and days upon days of braxton hicks/contractions. Some more painful than others, some nights were consistent and timeable for hours, only to fade off before the sun rose which would leave me feeling exhausted and frustrated. By 39 weeks, I was just starting to get to the point of really feeling done. I tried so hard though to remind myself that every baby writes their own story and that Amelia might just decide to stay in until 42 weeks (thankfully that didn’t happen!). I am so thankful for my sweet friends who encouraged me over and over again the the final days that I was almost done and to just hang on. Some people LOVE being pregnant and although I am very thankful for the entire process, it’s not my “favorite” experience.

If you know me, you know my love for lists and “having it all together”. Ohhhhhh what a curveball Amelia’s arrival threw me. Or should I say chucked at my face. I didn’t feel prepared for her arrival until 39 weeks and 3 days. Between the crazy work season and then getting sick at the end of my pregnancy, it took 276 days to say, “Ok baby girl, I’m ready”.  I spent week 38 telling her to stay in because of the ice storm. Then I asked her to wait until I had my haircut and toes painted, which sounds silly but I reallllly wanted a few “me” moments before she came. Finally, on Wednesday the 18th, I stood in my house and said. Ok. If she arrives NOW, I would be ok.

Patrick and I went out to dinner at Over the Falls, the night before we went into labor with Bennett, so we decided to try the same thing just for fun. On Wednesday the 18th, we went out as a family and really enjoyed our time together as three. I woke up on Thursday and Bennett and I spent the entire day at home with the exception of going out to pick up groceries that evening. It truly was a lazy day of just one on one time for us. Patrick had planned to spend the evening at the airport flying after work, so I was looking forward to a quite evening of relaxing after I put Bennett to bed.

You see, this is where it all starts.

Bennett and I went to pick up groceries at 5:30 pm on the 19th. We came home and as I was unloading everything, I saw panic hit Bennett’s face moments before he vomited all over the playroom. He has never thrown up before so this was a shock for both of us. I called Patrick to tell him what was going on but to let him know I could handle it and that he didn’t need to come home and end his night. He told me he would fly for a little while but would then come home to help. I cleaned up the playroom, gave Bennett a bath and brought him back downstairs to cuddle on the couch. As I rounded the corner to sit down, I saw it again. The fear and then the vomit. Everywhere. At this point, I knew that something was up and that Patrick probably needed to head home for an extra set of hands.

Bennett threw up all night. We finally were able to rock him to sleep at 10 pm. While rocking him, I noticed a few strong braxton hicks and thought. No way. Not tonight. I am already so exhausted. I went downstairs and sat on my birth ball and had three contractions that were strong enough and caused enough discomfort that I texted my birth photographer JUST to let her know. I had contractions all night, along with a little boy who continued to throw up. Patrick emailed work at 4 am to let them know he was staying home with Bennett and to also watch me, as we were still unsure if this was labor or another long drawn out event of braxton hicks and false alarms.

Friday the 20th – The first question Patrick asked me was, “did they stop?” as they always had in prior nights. They hadn’t though. This was our first sign that this might be the real deal. At 7 am, they were 5-7 minutes a part and lasting around 1 minute. They were completely tolerable, yet consistent enough for us to nervously laugh at each other at the thought that I was actually in labor. I decided to call the birth center a little after 8 am just to alert them, “just in case”. Mandesa, the on call midwife wanted me to call back in when they were closer to 5 minutes.

We went about our morning, trying to ignore them all while taking care of a sick Bennett. They would occasionally space out throughout the morning but never completely went away. We put Bennett down for nap at noon and ate lunch. I decided to lay down and take a nap knowing that if this WAS the real deal, I would need as much energy going into it and especially going into it at night time.

By 2 pm, we were up from our naps and I was starting to get nervous that I still wasn’t convinced I was in labor but I knew the birth center would be closing soon for the weekend. I called into the birth center to go in and have her checked out. She seemed quieter to me. That could have been from the stress of me not knowing if this was it or not, me taking care of a vomiting 2 year old or the fact that I actually was in early labor and just didn’t KNOW it yet. Regardless, they were more than happy to see us and have us checked out.

We decided to go ahead and pack the car, finish packing the birth bags and head out there. During this process, I had a few contractions that made me stop and sway and upon my final trip to the bathroom to pee, I noticed …

Stop reading if you aren’t comfortable with birth. 🙂 

I lost my mucus plug. All which was entirely new to me because with Bennett’s birth, my water shattered and that was it. At this point, I knew something was happening. I knew that I was either in labor or was going to be in labor within the next day or so.

I lost my plug and my contractions picked up. We drove to the center and were greeted by Mandesa to get hooked up to the monitors and get checked out. Here’s the thing, with Bennett, when I arrived at the hospital, I was .5 cm dilated and a -2 station. Basically, nothing. 15 hours later I had only dilated to a 1.5 cm’s (so 1 additional cm) and was still a -2. Devastating. That is when I decided on getting an epidural with Bennett.

“You’re a solid 3 cm’s dilated”. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe that I had already PASSED where I was with Bennett and everything was still manageable. Even Patrick looked at me and grinned. It was just the encouragement that I needed. Mandesa wanted us to go home and rest (smart midwife) as we still had a ways to go. Patrick and I decided to go grab dinner and walk around downtown Raleigh, just to see if we could get things moving before we made the decision to drive the 45 minutes home, knowing we would eventually have to drive the 45 minutes back.

We went out to I ❤ NY pizza in downtown Raleigh and Patrick and I would just laugh as I would have to turn my head and body while doing deep breathing through a contraction while we ate. We were pretty sure people thought we were fighting which made the situation even more comical. What a perfect last date!

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We were instructed to call back to the birth center whenever our contractions were three minutes a part. Between 4:30 and 6:30, we ate and walked and had contractions 3 minutes a part. I called Mandesa who graciously agreed to head back to the birth center to check me one last time before we made the decision on if we were heading home for the night or not. We returned to the birth center and I was still a 4 even though she was a little lower. We made the decision to head home to rest, try and sleep and return whenever the intensity of my contractions had increased.

This is when things started to get a little crazy. We labored at home from 7 pm to 11 pm. When I no longer could lay down and rest, I tearfully asked Patrick to call Mandesa back and have her meet us at the birth center. We quickly got in the car, let our birth photographer know to meet us there and drove the 45 dreadful minutes to the birth center. Even though it was almost midnight, we hit every single red light. At one point, I was having a contraction and felt the car slowing. I SCREAMED at Patrick to go and we ran the red light. Whoops.

Upon arrival to the birth center, I was already shaky. I saw our midwives and immediately begged her to not send me home. It was all I could think about. I just couldn’t go back home. We went in (it was now midnight) and she checked me again. Still a 4. 50% effaced. 0 station. They can’t admit you (let you stay) until you’re technically in active labor. Defeat came in the number  4. I was having flashbacks to Bennett’s birth of not progressing. I also was panicking that if I was only a 4, I couldn’t do this any longer.

Mandesa and Danielle told me they would open a room for me to labor in for an hour or so but if I STILL hadn’t progressed, I really would need to go home and rest/labor. As they prepared my room, I questioned myself. How could I do this any longer? How could I only be a 4? How much worse could it get?!?

So let’s look at this timeline. At midnight, I was a 4. One of the midwives suggested the tub and as it filled, I labored in the room.

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This is where I had to have a come to Jesus moment. I was losing it. As each contraction hit, I would tense up. I even had moments where I would scream and freak out. My midwives and Patrick were so essential to bringing me back down. The ONLY way you’re going to progress is to relax through each one. You literally have to give into the pain. You can’t run from it and that is what I found terrifying. I felt like I couldn’t do it. I even found myself saying, “I can’t do this, I need an epidural!” Between Mandesa and Danielle, they were exactly what I needed to get me right in my head to power on. To believe in myself in a way that I didn’t know I could. To change my attitude from, “I can’t do this to YES, yes I can.”

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Mandesa helping me through a contraction

That’s when they spoke the magical words, “You can get in the tub now.”

At 1:05 am, I stepped into the tub. This was the game changer for me. Onto my hands and knees I went, as I gave way to each wave of pain that brought me closer to meeting Amelia. It was like being in a violent storm, where you’re being thrown around and you can feel your body breaking. My back felt like someone was taking a sledge hammer and shattering my spine every time a contraction would come. My legs would shake in pain. I moaned and vocalized in a way that seemed foreign and detached from myself. Patrick would spray hot water over my back during each contraction, along with offer words of encouragement and affirmation.

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What I love about midwifery care is how they could tell that things were changing just by how I sounded (among other things). The midwives left Patrick and I to labor alone for an hour and by 1:50, they found themselves back in my room to observe me and listen to Amelia’s heartbeat while I continued to labor in the tub. At 2:05, Mandesa checked me and made me open my eyes to look at her for the first time. “You’re an 8, Ann. Don’t you ever tell me or yourself that you can’t do something. It’s time to get you officially admitted and have this baby! You’re doing it!”

An 8. The number that brought a surge of confidence and yet a wave of, “Oh crap, I don’t have a choice but to finish this wild ride.”

From 2:05 to 2:20, things happened quickly. I started feeling the urge to bear down… which is completely different from pushing with Bennett, where the nurses told me how and when to push. At 2:20, Mandesa checked me to find me at a 10. I was ready to push this baby out!

I pushed Amelia out within minutes (instead of hours like Bennett). My body completely took over and did what it had to do to bring her into this world. Patrick stood behind me as I grabbed his arms for leverage and I felt her descend through the birth canal and her head emerge. I looked down as Mandesa grabbed her, brought her up and out of the water and put her to my chest.

At 2:25 am, Amelia Everly was brought earth side for her first perfect breath.

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I did it. 

The difference between Bennett’s and Amelia’s births was incredible. Amelia’s birth left me feeling empowered in a way that I didn’t know existed. It was everything that I had been wanting but at the same time, nothing like I had planned.

Amelia’s birth was like having the sun rise after a violent storm. I stood on the edge of the water as the sun rose and the warmth of a new day graced my body. The water came and went and with the old waves, the season of being a mother of one slowly disappeared and washed away to leave a new woman. An empowered woman. A woman ready to take on the new identity of mother of two.

I’m thankful for every moment of Amelia’s arrival. She’s here! She’s perfect! She’s finally in my arms! I want to blog more about the difference between midwifery care and obgyn and what I took away from both Bennett’s and Amelia’s births but for now, this sleepy mama just needed to get out her actual story.

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Thank you Lauren Jolly Photography for capturing her birth story! 

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The peace that followed her arrival. I was able to just hold her, love on her and finally meet the little girl I had been carrying for 10 months.

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Daddy holding Amelia for the first time.16174414_10154672656255091_846242087391284099_n

Danielle and Mandesa ❤ 

We were home by 8 am for big brother to meet Amelia. Daddy and B then made pancakes to celebrate the first day of our new season. ❤

As we start a new chapter

We are days (or hey… maybe weeks) away from meeting Amelia and officially becoming a family of four. It hasn’t been until the past couple of weeks that I have started to let the idea of ACTUALLY having two kids, sink in. Of course there is excitement, but I also know that we are ending the ease of just having Bennett and will be thrown into life with two. It’s such a bittersweet transition. I am SO excited to meet Amelia but at the same time, every night that I rock Bennett before bed, I think about how he made me a mom. It’s just been him and I for so long. We have learned together, made many mistakes together, grown to a new level of love together. He has helped shape me into the woman that I am today. He has been my world for the past two years and it makes me wonder how my world is about to shift and be molded into something different. I find myself wondering how I will handle the schedule of two when I already feel maxed out some days. Then add another spinning plate of running a business. It’s in these moments of panic that I am reminded that my peace comes from Him. When my “everything must be perfect and scheduled to the minute” personality starts to choke me out, I am reminded to take a deep breath. To breathe in His peace and goodness and let the anxiety go.

I am holding on to these last few weeks and trying to absorb all these moments that I get with Bennett. It’s hard knowing that in the coming weeks, we will be asking so much of him but seeing his excitement grow for Amelia’s arrival, makes my heart swell to a new level. He asks when she will be coming and I really think he is starting to understand that I have an actual baby in my belly. It’s the sweetest thing as he tries to say her name and occasionally can only get out “Millie”. He’s going to make such a great big brother.

I am actually starting to feel prepared (it only took 38 weeks! haha). I have a few freezer meals prepared, the bags are starting to get packed, the carseat installed and the little tiny baby clothes washed. The end of this pregnancy has been very different than Bennett’s. Patrick constantly says, “You’re not acting like you’re about to give birth” as he is referring to how miserable I was the last couple of months with B. It has only been in the last couple of days that my body has started to hurt… but in a way that I feel as though it’s preparing for labor. Although pregnancy is not my favorite, I am very thankful to have been able to carry her this long and to have had a healthy pregnancy.

I’m ready to see what the rest of 2017 holds. The ups and downs, all the new and exciting moments and all the moments that will require me to find refuge in Him.

Continue praying for me and my family as we are so very near this life changing transition?

What a beautiful chapter we are ending. I’m thankful that we have a story to continue though and all the wonderful moments that will be coming in this next chapter. So thankful for my little family. ❤

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The final weeks of Amelia’s pregnancy

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Lauren Jolly Photography

Second pregnancy. It has flown by. Or maybe life is just speeding up? I can’t believe we are in the 5 week countdown to meet Miss Amelia. I haven’t blogged much or really even shared much about how this pregnancy has gone, so I figured I would take a minute to reflect on our journey.

There have been some similarities but also some differences between B and Amelia’s pregnancies. I was sick from 5 weeks until about 32 weeks with Bennett. I was on a minimum dosage of anti vomiting medicine and once I found what worked, life was good. I actually didn’t get sick with Amelia until about 8 or 9 weeks. SO- for those first couple of weeks, I was so excited that I might not have to deal with it! I thought… well, this pregnancy thing isn’t so bad. Famous last words! I have been on Diclegis again since about 9 weeks and I just refilled my prescription for the last time (because it goes until my due date). I have also been on twice the amount that I was taking with Bennett. I am SO thankful for this medicine though!

I know that everyone jokes about how you get nothing done for the 2nd baby and ummmm…. well… here I am at almost 35 weeks and there is still so much to do. We didn’t even start buying things for her until 32 weeks. Not because we don’t care… simply because our lives have been going by SO fast. I had my busiest year yet for Miss Jee’s and it was a challenge to balance mamahood to a 2 year old, running a business (through a successful and jam packed year), being pregnant and every other hat I wear. We have actual plans and dates though now for emptying, painting and putting her nursery together. I have ordered 90% of her stuff online, because who wants to shop pregnant and with a 2 year old… so my house has reached horder status. We have maxed out every nook in cranny in our home with all of her stuff because her current room isn’t empty from Patrick and I’s office stuff.

Naming this little girl has been an adventure! Patrick and I both thought we were having another little boy and really only focused on a boy name! That should of been another clue that this was a she and not a he. We decided on Amelia a few weeks before we found out the gender but the middle name was nearly impossible to decide on. Weeks and weeks and weeks went by and we would go back and forth on potential names. I would like something but Patrick would hate it. Or we would know someone from way back when who had the name or four other people at church had the same name. Finally, we found a name that stuck for a few weeks but wasn’t final just in case we “thought of something better”. I know that most people don’t find middle names important but I still call Bennett, Bennett Journey on a daily basis. SO – finding a name combo that I loved was so important. THEN, I found it. I loved it. It was perfect…. and my husband hated it. I didn’t give up though! I kept asking (pestering) Patrick about it. He finally said, “If you want this name to have ANY chance, you need to let me just think about it and stop bringing it up!” SO HARD! In his own time though, he slowly started to ask me again, “What was that name you liked”. I could see his thoughts swirling and his love for it growing. He was about 90% sure about the name and then the emergency landing happened with the plane. When he walked through the doors that night, I said, “After what you put me through today, I am making the final call… her name will be Amelia ______”. And that was that. He laughed, we both laughed and said hello to our daughter Amelia who finally had the perfect name like her brother. Since it took so long to name her, we decided to just wait until she is born to announce it. We want our family to meet her and hear her name before we make the announcement public.

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Another huge difference between Bennett’s pregnancy and Amelia’s is the type of prenatal care I’m receiving. Switching to midwifery care at Baby + Co has been one of the best decisions I have made during this pregnancy. I have loved every single minute of my care through them. Seriously, go take a tour…. or even just give them a call. It’s a night and day difference.

Even though I feel as though I have nothing done and time is running out, I am so excited to meet our sweet baby girl. I know there are hard moments and sleepless nights BUT there is so much good that comes with new life.

OH, here is one thing we are doing differently this time around. At 39 weeks, I’m going off of social media until after she is born. The watched pot doesn’t boil syndrome is real. SO, when I reach 39 weeks, I will be disappearing until a few days after she makes her arrival. Being at a birth center means we are going home 4-6 hours after she arrives. This means we could be going home at 2 am… which means our family won’t be meeting her until the next morning/day. We want to make sure our immediate family has the chance to meet her before the social media world SO yall will just have to wait a little bit longer.

Gosh, I feel like this post is already so long so I’ll wrap it up (plus Bennett’s nap is over). Can I ask you to be praying with me over the next couple of weeks?

  1. Pray/Agree with me that everyone in our household stays healthy. Pray for a healthy remaining pregnancy and that Amelia is growing just the way she should be.
  2. Pray that I get as much rest/sleep as possible. Sleep has been so hard for me this pregnancy and the last thing I need is to go into labor feeling worn down.
  3. Pray for the timing of my labor. We are praying that I go into labor while Patrick is home (before his 1.5 hour one way commute).
  4. Pray for the right midwives to be present. I love them all and truly believe that every single one of them would be a perfect fit so pray that as Amelia’s birth story unfolds, we have the perfect birth team.
  5. Pray that we finish everything around the house. We have to clear our old office, paint it, assemble all of her furniture and then start the actual construction process on my downstairs office (which was just approved by a structural engineer).
  6. Pray for Patrick. As much as I say, “we have a lot of do”, most of it is stuff he has to do (like the construction for my office.) This is all on top of our already busy and tiring schedule. Pray for strength and energy!
  7. Pray that this labor is slightly shorter than Bennett’s. HA. No… but really.
  8. Pray for a peaceful and perfect labor and delivery. Patrick and I truly are believing for a stress free, peaceful day (or night) as we bring Amelia into this world.
  9. Pray that Bennett transitions into being a big brother well
  10. Pray we adjust to being a family of 4 well.

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Emergency landing

I woke up this morning feeling relieved that I had actually gotten some decent sleep. I don’t remember the last time I slept through the night due to being 30 weeks pregnant, super uncomfortable, having to pee all the time  and then having a 2 year old. I’m tired. I know it’s a season, but I’m just tired. I opened my eyes around 6 this morning and sighed because I actually felt rested. I rolled over and grabbed my phone to see 4 missed texts from a friend, a 50 second voice message from Patrick and about 20 Facebook notifications. I read the texts and skipped the voice message from Patrick only because I assumed I knew what it was. It’s not uncommon for Patrick to leave me messages to wake up to saying hello to Bennett and Amelia, encouraging me for the day or telling me how he loves me. Love my guy. So I ventured on Facebook for about 10 minutes before I finally opened Whatsapp to listen to the message.

“Hey babe, we’re ok but I had to emergency land the plane…” is how it started. You see, Patrick flies to work every morning in our Cessna 150 that we bought this past year. It’s a small two seater aircraft and it has been a great little plane for him to build his hours in while he works towards his commercial pilots license.

My heart dropped. I listened to him explain how his engines failed and when he landed in a field in the pitch black, it flipped the plane. His friend and coworker Mike who rides/flies with him everyday, were both able to climb out and walk away unharmed… but the plane was totaled.

Yall. Today has been hard. This shook me. There are so many other things that could have happened that would have had me receiving a completely different call this morning.

Patrick kisses me goodbye every morning and what if this morning was the last? Maybe it’s the extra hormones but today could have been a very different day. As hard as it’s been, I am so very thankful that neither Patrick or Mike were harmed. Was the plane totaled? yes. That is such a small thing though when it comes to my husband walking through the doors tonight.

Patrick is an amazing pilot. Believe me, I wouldn’t trust him to fly with Bennett if he wasn’t. I stopped worrying about him awhile ago though and stopped asking for the “you’ve landed safely” calls. It’s second nature for him… but today… those fears were reignited. I was reminded that tomorrow is never promised and that freak accidents can happen. The FAA doesn’t know why his engines failed even after an examination of the plane. The only reason the plane flipped was because the soil he landed in had just been plowed. He did everything he was trained to do and by the grace of God, a field opened up when the only other options were trees or water.

I couldn’t think today. I felt like vomiting all day. My world was rocked.

Tonight, let the bickering stop. Let the election stress melt away. Go hug your husband and kids. Let them eat ice cream and stay up past their bedtime.

Tomorrow isn’t promised and today was a reminder of that.

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Baby #2!

Well, we finally announced that we have another bun in the oven. We have known since 2015 that we were going to start trying this Spring, so it’s been hard to keep the baby talk to a minimum. It’s funny, when you get pregnant the first time around – you want to shout it from the rooftops… at least I did! We seriously could barely wait to announce it to our family and friends!

This time around has been different. We kept it a hidden little secret for much longer. It was fun. It was special. Truthfully the only reason I announced when I did was because several people asked if I was pregnant on the same day, so I figured it was time to spill the beans.

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Although the Bahamas wasn’t our original plan for this baby, it will be a fun fact for their story. Our kidless vacation was the perfect way to kick off this next season we are entering into. Just call me a Bahama mama. 😉 IMG_0913.jpg

So – let’s get all of those personal questions out of the way that everyone seems to ask.

Yes. Baby #2 was very planned.

Yes. There is a certain gender I am hoping for… but I will be happy regardless.

Yes. We are so very excited.

Yes. We have names…. although I’m not sure we will announce them prior to birth this time.

 

Now for the number 1 question I get: “How are you feeling”.

Y’all, can I be honest? Being pregnant is one of the hardest physical and emotional thing that I have done in my life.

Do you remember Bennett’s pregnancy? That was hard. Unfortunately, this one has been harder.

I’m struggling y’all. I hesitate to say that because I have clients who are Facebook friends with me (so please don’t be worried! ha). But it’s true. This pregnancy is draining me of everything that is me. I’m sicker than I was with Bennett and I’m not sure how that is even possible. Everyday is a physical battle to eat and try and keep it down.

I purchased my $263 dollars (100 days) worth of anti vomiting medicine that I used with Bennett and it keeps the vomiting at bay but I’m still insanely nauseous all day everyday.

Between trying to care for Bennett and running a business, I have been running full speed at my breaking point. I knew that something needed to change. Imagine a waitress balance dozens of plates on each arm and trying to run around in circles. That’s how I’ve been feeling. I was dropping plates left and right for my business and motherhood and the drowning feeling was creeping in.

When you’re at your max, you have to make changes. So- I found an amazing Preschool for Bennett to attend 2 days a week in the mornings. This will allow me to work uninterrupted twice a week and actually breath life in my business, instead of just keeping it afloat. It will allow me to grow it and nourish it and not just reach the bare minimums.

This will also allow me to fully be present when Bennett is home. No more working while he’s here. No more, “Hey go watch Curious George while I try and edit”. I’ve been feeling so guilty these past 3 months because I’ve been stretched too thin between both work and motherhood. It was time to set myself up for success and give myself some dedicated hours to get work done.

I feel like I can breath with these upcoming changes. I feel like I won’t be trying to juggle so many plates. That the load is lightened because there will be designated hours every week to work. This has been a long time coming and I’m so excited to see my business grow during this next season.

 

Another big change for this pregnancy is that I have changed from an OBGYN to a midwife. Baby #2 will be birth at a birthing center called Baby + Company in Cary. I have already been enjoying the differences between seeing a midwife vs. an obgyn. If you’re curious about where I’ll be birthing… these are images from the birthing suites. This makes me more excited than a hospital room. 🙂 Each room is fully equipped with various aspects that help promote a natural delivery. They are also fully equipped with medical equipment for baby and mom, so no worries there.Screen Shot 2016-07-11 at 11.51.48 AMScreen Shot 2016-07-11 at 11.52.18 AM

 

So, this is all I have for this post. If you get a chance, could you pray for me? Pray for this pregnancy? It’s been a hard 12 weeks. Praying for strength and energy and a healthy baby and mama. Thanks friends.

 

I’ll keep y’all updated. 😉